The ups and downs of East london life...

We've had the best and the worst of our locality over the weekend.
On Saturday night we were kept awake by a drunken group trying to get into a shared house a few doors away from us. They claimed they lived there (but somehow did not have one key between them). The woman in the house claimed they didn't. What followed was three of hours of loud abuse, shouting, and banging which eventually broke the door. One of our near neighbours is pregnant and another has two young children - I got so angry that the whole street was being kept awake. At 4.00am, I went and asked them to be quiet and got told to go ...well, you can imagine. Eventually someone called the police and it all went quiet.
I woke up on Sunday very late, very cross! I had one of my frequent rants about not wanting to live here any more, hating East London, how it wasn't like this when we came to live here etc. etc. But then we went for a walk in one of the big parks near us, and it was like another world, full of quiet green spaces and peaceful ponds and lakes, where dogs ran after sticks into the water and people greeted each other with smiles. We saw a brood of ducklings huddled together so closely that it was impossible to tell how many there were, and five goslings snoozing on the bank, carefully guarded by mum. And a pair of great-crested grebes. I felt so thankful that my son was as excited and delighted as we were to see these wild creatures. And that we could get a cup of tea at the kiosk for only 60p!
But, I am ashamed to say that, despite all my desires for a simpler life, I still got major house envy looking at the lovely big houses near the park. I don't think it is luxury that I crave, it is space. I want to start my own part-time feltmaking business and finding somewhere to work and store my materials in our little house is a real challenge. It takes an age to get everything out and put everything away and that eats into my limited time. Perhaps a major declutter is called for. Again.

So what do I want exactly?

I'm not who I thought I was. I thought I was an intellectual, but actually I'm an artist who thinks. I thought I was weak but actually I have an eating disorder. I thought I was ugly and unfeminine but actually I think I'm just different. I thought I was lacking in determination, but actually I have never given up believing that things could be better, and trying to make them so. I thought I was cowardly and had settled for 'good enough' - but actually I am brave enough to think and try new things.

Its taken me a long time to reach these conclusions - I've been finding out slowly over the last ten years or so. Recently, I have been watching the rise of new ways of thinking about what constitutes a 'good life', and I have been informed and influenced by those attempting self-sufficiency, practising thrift and living ethically and as lightly as possible. Their examples have given me inspiration, confidence and know-how. But I have increasingly come to understand that creativity is also a vital part of my life, and that without it I am dull and drained.

So that's what I want - to find ways in which to incorporate creativity, thrift, environmental awareness and a measure of self-sufficiency into my daily life. I also want to 'live my life with arms wide open' by which I mean to keep my mind open to new people and new experiences and to keep learning all the time.

There's a complication,in that my family are not completely with me in this endeavour. Left to myself, I would like to make big changes - I've always been interested in communal living, for example, but my partner is not. Similarly, I would like to radically reduce our outgoings so that we can pay off our mortgage as fast of possible, as I feel that this would give us far greater choice about what we do with our lives, but my partner needs to have some money to follow his own creativity and I could not deny him that. So for now I am constrained by need to work (part-time) and to live here (close to the school), and my partner's need to work full-time.